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| Wow... It has been quite the longest time! lol...
I have been reading my past log entries. To my surprise... I actually
learned from them. Now I just really feel that I miss my old self. So
many things happened at that year and I fear that it has changed me.
Even though I believe I am capable of witnessing, I feel a deep
emptiness within me. It isn't like before. I guess in this world we
should not rely on feelings to motivate us in doing anything because
feelings are unpredictable. I guess all we need is discipline...
Let me show you what I meant of that I learned something from my blog
entries. If you remember that I placed in here about a certain moment
that we prayed for wind to come and then a few gusts came in. However
it suddenly stopped. I kept praying but none came. I was compelled to
wait so I did. Then a few moments later, the electricity came back. To
my faithful readers who have been finally disillusioned (lol) I guess
God told me something about my future. You see, I found out a long time
ago that my closest friend was going to leave in a few years time. I
just smiled at him and shared my thoughts that it would be really sad
for him to go away... but deep inside I felt really sad. There were
nights where I had to cry about it because it wasn't only him that was
going away at that same year but also different people who I called as
one of my close friends were also going away. I don't understand it
very much. Why? I had no idea why God had to take them away from me now
that I know what a friend really means. I don't understand why I had to
go back to being alone again. I hate being alone and having friends
with the name orocan at their backs. I really don't understand why.
I looked back in my life and I saw that it had its share of
misfortunes. I almost died even before knowing what death means.
However after that I had no idea why I had to live when my life was
quite a burden to people around me. I also became alone for around
seven years and not knowing why I had to go through that. However, as I
looked at myself now, I guess there was a reason for them. The thought
of death before even knowing what it is gave me that drive to live on
and have hope. The seven years of loneliness gave me time to become
wiser instead of wasting the time on friends because I don't really
have any. Now after my first youth camp I finally knew how to make
friends and slowly learning the value of friendship. I guess that youth
camp... rather saved my life in more ways than one. I guess maybe...
Just like that black out... It was like the loneliness in my life and
the sudden halting of the gusts of wind are like the friends that I
have. Then when they leave... maybe just maybe... I wouldn't know but
maybe something might happen both bad and good. Whatever it is... I
guess that is for me to know... I guess maybe next time... if ever
there will be a next time :D.
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| Today was really weird!!!! I just found out that my real name wasn't
true but it is legally rather true... Oh well but I'll stick to my
original name... erm my real name... errr my Jason Co King Li name!
HAHA... No I'm not adopted but really I am not Jason Co King Li...
Anyway I'm gonna have to get ready soon. Oh and it is spelled
Philippines btw to my American subscriber... HAHA... More next time I
guess.
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| Here I am again savoring the last moments of my freedom before studying for the QT's.
During the week I tried sharing to my friend but sadly to my human eyes
I failed... But actually I did what I am supposed to do... All we have
to do is to wait... I guess.  Maybe God
will give me another chance on that person again someday or maybe with
another person... I don't know actually... Anyway finally it was end of
hell week now it is time for heller week! Yes the QT's I really hope
I'd get a really good score here I don't want to have really low
scores. Our school made something called as the Anthropos. It was
supposed to tell what is XS now from different points of view of
alumnis, students, teachers(? errr not sure) and the like. I was
thinking of submitting one but I have no idea what to write about...
hmm... I need inspiration somehow... Oh well that's all for today sorry
for the very short post I'm sleepy...
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| Ahahaha... I'm sooo lazy to write again ^^;;
A smile... a very futile symbol of child-like innocence.
Yet at the same time the strongest weapon against the tides of
corruption of this world raining upon us. Will I forever keep this
smile of mine? I wonder whose heart has been warmed by my smile? or
whose heart has grown cold and irritated because of it? I only wish to
cover up for all the misery and insecurity that is kept deep inside me
with such smile giving people the thinking I live such a pleasant life
filled with fluffy clouds, delicious candies and chocolates... Sadly
they don't know much about me... or maybe I don't know much about
myself... I have been tortured with emotional stressed birthed from my
own imaginations and unwishful thinking that I think I have to go
through to prepare myself from what is ahead of me. This made me think
that I don't live such a pleasant life all the time and my smile is
nothing but a mask to cover such monstrosity of life. Maybe... just
maybe... I smile because I seem to see God in many things, through
hardships and trials... Maybe I do see Him there... Through love and
glory... I see Him there... Makes me nothing but surrender to a smile.
I have loved so many people yet sometimes I don't feel it in return...
maybe... just maybe... I don't see it... I wish to create joy in many
things and produce a pleasant aura that warms the hearts of many just
like... just like... someone I cared and deared the most... Is a smile
really obsolete in this putrid world of ours? Is a smile really a
childish toy that we have to grow out of? If that is so... I wish to be
a child forever... to show people that life isn't that too terrible
with God... is that futile too? Works for me...
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| that was a long time before I updated... sorry I was busy and there
were things I don't want to write here but the one that took majority
of my day.
Oh well these are just one of those times where the time moves faster and yes that's a good thing  .
CLE was quite different today... though it was heavy... it was somehow
different since it isn't that bookish... I think... well... maybe.. The
thing is I am not alienated anymore with such soooper deep theology
that is really very hard to somehow absorb. It was about salvation and
guess what, they actually said that the kingdom of heaven is actually a
gift but it is a task but also promise... I actually understood what
that means  . So the notion that by
doing good works will get us to heaven is also untrue in Xavier. Soc
sci was actually hilarious one time. We watched this movie about the
Boxer rebellion in China and I kept on saying about the "Merry Poppins"
figure that appears in the film when actually I didn't intentionally
said that to *taken out to protect writer from unforeseen danger.* So
there was English and we checked our PSAT practice test... Mine was so
terrible >_<!!!! Oh well... alright I have some homework to do...
so that's it for now!
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Chat bored... yeah chat bored... la lang
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